I loved having him around. Every time things got overwhelming, I would think, “When I come up for air, I’ll get to see Steven and everything will be better”. I like being around him, more than I’ve liked being around anyone in a long time. I liked who I am with him.
I’m really afraid of what comes next. Every time I reach this point, just as I’m about to hit absolute rock bottom, he comes back. I am terrified of what is going to happen when I lose all hope. When that realization sets in that this might be the real end, that he isn’t going to just pop up again, I think I will break. I don’t what I do with myself as it is. I hate being ignored. I think I am so upset right now because I just need closure. I just need that moment when we decide we aren’t doing this anymore. I need him to know that the door is closed and if he is closing it again, it won’t open anymore. Part of me doesn’t want it to be done. I want to be with him but I can’t do this anymore. I have this part of me that is holding on so tightly and I am so afraid of what happens when I let him go.
I’ve had this replaying in my head all day. I just wish I had some way to say it:
I don’t want to attempt to make small talk and act like everything is okay. We both know that it’s not. You made me feel like I was nothing for months. And you know the most frustrating thing? We werehappyand we could have a really great life together. But you spend so much damn time looking behind you that you don’t see what’s right in front of you. I tried to fix you. But now I have to fix me instead because you broke me. You took everything I believe in and stripped it down to nothing. I really believed you were the one. I really thought that you were the answer to all my questions and the missing piece. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe you’re just a guy that played a game without rules and I’m just a stupid girl who showed you how to win. Someday you’re going to see what I’ve see about us from the beginning. I just hope it’s not too late.
My baby girl.
(via toendure)
I remember once upon a time, not that long ago, when you were here… “everything was beautiful and nothing hurt”…. I just want it back. I just want you back.
He actually broke up with me and we were on and off through college up until I met S. S was the first guy I was serious about and I told Nick that if he wasn’t going to love me and be there for me how I wanted then I was going to be with someone else. 2 years later, and after he moved back home, I think it finally hit him how much he really did love me. I never stopped loving him. And I love S very much too. So I’m in a really weird spot. Nick wants to try this again now that we are older because he said when we were 18 we weren’t ready for the kind of love we had, and he’s been chasing me for about 5 months now and has just really been a friend. He’s listened to my cry about Steven and my family and has just totally supported me. I don’t know what I’m going to decide to do, but it’s nice to know that everything I’ve been feeling for 6 years since we met is what he’s been feeling too.
Try to wrap your mind around how shitty my situation with S is: What breaks my heart isn’t that it’s over. I think he and I both knew it was going to happen. I believed it wouldn’t be this soon after getting him back. What breaks my heart is that he lied, he didn’t keep his promises, he didn’t care enough to give my feelings an ounce of consideration. He didn’t feel like I was important enough for him to follow through. We’ve barely talked or seen each other in nearly 2 months (although, it does not feel like that long at all), and he said he would do ONE thing before he left for vacation and he didn’t even do it! How much more am I suppose to take? How many more lies, how many more broken promises? I don’t have anything left to give. If this is going to be one of those situations where he has to step back to realize how wonderful he had, I don’t want him back. He should realize what he has while he has it. You can only break a person so many times before her hearts hardens and you lose her. Maybe forever. I love him so much but he doesn’t even treat me like he cares at all.
I hope someday someone will love me as much as this. I know how it feels to love this much, because I love him right now this way. I hope someday, I get here.
(via learning-to-let-go)
Last night I finally realized what I should have seen a long time ago.
I’m not important to him.
He doesn’t care about me about enough to keep his promises.
He doesn’t care about me.
My feelings don’t matter. I don’t matter.
I can’t keep loving someone who isn’t going to ever love me. And I can’t be his friend. I don’t know how to look at him and not love him. I don’t know how to look at him and not see the future I wanted so badly wanted with him. I never thought it would end like this. This wasn’t how it was suppose to be.
